How can I help my child cope with my divorce? This is such a tender and sincere question that every parent undergoing divorce asks.
I can tell you that studies show that children do survive their parents’ divorce. But divorce or separation can be difficult. While you may be grappling with new worries and realities, so are your children, on their own level. I hear many parents wondering about these concerns:
My child’s sleeping pattern has changed.
She is eating more/he is not interested in food.
He shows less interest in his friends now.
Why is she less apt to play?
My kids are fighting more.
Is he having concentrating or completing tasks?
She doesn’t do her homework.
FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS YOUR KIDS MAY HAVE – AND HOW TO HELP!
GUILT – No matter what, every child will feel they must have done something to cause mom or dad to leave home. (Even adult children will go through this.) Children feel guilt for several reasons. First, we all feel more comfortable with ANSWERS than with questions. The world feels safer if we just ‘know why’ something happened. So, blaming oneself for their parent’s divorce gives our kids an answer. Second, when crises happen, it is common to respond on a more primitive (or earlier) childhood developmental level. A 2 year old thinks that the world revolves around him. So, therefore, he must have done something, said something, or been unlovable enough for a parent to leave him. It is important to reassure children, no matter how many times they ask, that your decision was about you and your spouse, and that there was nothing they could have done to make either one of you want to leave them. In art and play therapy, children can draw pictures about their feelings.
FEAR – An immediate fear children may have is “If mommy left, maybe dad will, too. Who will take care of me?” Some children become overly attached or dependent for a while, needing the reassurance that they are safe and will always be protected. It is OK to reassure them again and again. That is not the same as accepting regressed behaviors over and over again. By drawing a picture of what they are afraid of, children gain power over their fears. One child may draw a superhero to give them courage. Another may draw himself making friends with a monster. In Art Therapy a child can learn to master his fears.
REGRESSION – Your children may repeat earlier behaviors that they had since outgrown , such as needing a night light to sleep, bedwetting accidents, constipation, baby talk. This is expected. However, if it drags on, it is ok to talk to them about it. In fact, please do. You may say to them “Some kids don’t feel as safe when mom/dad isn’t here. Are you worried about this too?” “Do you sometimes just want to be a little child or baby so mom or dad will take care of you?” And then reassure them that you will take care of them even when they show big boy/girl behaviors. Invite them do draw pictures of their feelings.
SADNESS – Like yours, their world has been disrupted. There is a tear in the precious fabric of their life. Something is no longer right with the family. Mom or dad is no longer at the dinner table. Children can miss their absent parent intensely. Even when visiting the other parent, they come to know it is temporary. It is OK to talk about their sadness. Talk in general terms about your sadness that their world is different now. Their definition of family is no longer ‘in tact’, but they will always have a family. It is OK to tell them that you are sad, but be alert for them unconsciously carrying your sadness. Whether you hide your feelings, but walk around looking lost, or cry all the time, our children can sense sadness, and sometimes express it for you by being sad. An Art Therapist can help your child express feelings in pictures, rather than in words. They can then look at the pictures with the art therapist and talk about them.
ANGER
All children will have moody moments. You may ask, “Is this normal 10 year old behavior or something of concern?” However, if moods or changes in behavior persist, it may be time to consult an art therapist, play therapist, or counselor. In art therapy it is safe to scribble out angry pictures, or play ‘war’ in the sandtray to gain a sense of personal power.
SLEEP – Does your child want to sleep with you, or come into your bed, more than before? Of course, there will be special times when it feels good to have those little ones in bed with you. In the long haul, however, a return to their beds is best. For a while, though, they might bring a sleeping bag in and sleep on the floor. Children can draw and then talk about their night time fears. They may be about loneliness, abandonment, or safety.
PLAY – Sometimes kids will feel ‘different’ from their friends, and so want to isolate. It helps to ask them if they know any other kids at school who’s parents divorced. This may normalize it for them. Other children may feel especially lonely, and seek the company of others. Be sure to set up play dates. When your child is visiting you, be willing to drive the distance to pick up friends.
SIBLINGS – Sibling rivalry is almost inevitable in every family! All kids want to feel that they are loved ‘the most’. During a divorce, children often are angry inside, and take it out on the closest person – their brother or sister. Let your children know that you trust them to work things out. Keep house rules posted, as in ‘no hitting’. Children sometimes fight over what is ‘fair’ often because this whole divorce does not feel fair to them. Sometimes seeing siblings together or seeing a parent and child in therapy helps.
SCHOOL – Children don’t often let on that they are having trouble concentrating or having behavior problems. Keeping track of their homework helps maintain consistency. Having to keep a ‘secret’ can be difficult. You may see if their school has a divorce support group.
Whether you handle these life changes on your own, or choose an art or play therapist, your children will learn how to thrive with new coping skills.
If you have any questions about how art therapy can help your child thrive, please call me at 720-242-9241.
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