Art Therapy for Children of Divorce – IT’S NOT FAIR

“IT’S NOT FAIR’. Have you heard this refrain? If you are a parent, I think you have. If you’re are a parent of siblings, I bet you have.

And, if you are a divorced parent, I’m almost 100% sure that you have heard this refrain. Many times! It can come in many forms. Sometimes, the words arent’ even spoken. But, if you listen really closely you’ll see that they are implied.

But I WANT to go. (It’s not fair.)

You love my sister more than me. (It’s not fair.)

Why can’t I go first? (It’s not fair.)

He gets more attention. (It’s not fair.)

She hit me. (It’s not fair.)

Have you wondered why all this focus on fairness has become so important to your children now? It doesn’t mean that you have suddenly treated one child poorly. It doesn’t mean that you no longer love your children or you aren’t a good parent. And it doesn’t mean that divorcing has catastrophic results for your kids.

IT OFTEN MEANS “MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED – (AND IT’S NOT FAIR!”)

Borrowing from my own experience as a child, and from what I have learned over the years from my child clients, I have just created an acronym for the word F-A-I-R. (Bear with me here.)

F-FEAR (I am afraid. Soothe me.)

A-ABANDONED (I am sad, left, lonely. Do you love me?)

I-I MUST HAVE BEEN BAD. (It’s my fault. I’m sorry. Love me.)

R-RAGE (I am so angry about this. Please understand me.)

Let’s look at one at a time.

F-FEAR Children naturally feel FEAR because their family is no longer the safe and predictable family it once was. The rules have suddenly changed. Even if mom and dad have been arguing for a while, when one moves out, children feel this change as suddenly unsafe. This can be very scary for children who rely on predictability in their outer world in order to feel safe in their inner world. Children voice fear that they will never see their other parent again. Children are afraid that their other parent will leave them, too. Some kids worry about having enough food. Or a place to live. Or what to tell their friends. Years after the event, I drew a picture of the moment of fear I experienced when I was told that they were getting divorced. I was stricken with fear.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO: Reassure the kids that you are still family. “Yes, your world “is not fair” now, but  mom/dad will always protect them and love you.” Provide lots of paper and crayons for them to draw out their feelings. Hey can draw pictures to put up in the new rooms. You can look for pictures in magazines of different ‘families’ and discuss them. ART THERAPY helps kids express feelings they may keep hidden from their family and even from themselves.

A-ABANDONED. Your child will feel initially abandoned no matter how much love you give them. Or, you love your children but may no longer see them every day. Children under 8 are concrete thinkers and may not understand this Older kids may ‘know’ that their parents must live apart, but their hearts may at first feel that they were not loved enough, or were unlovable.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO: Reassure, reassure, reassure. Hugs, phone calls, letters. Maintain consistent contact. Agree to let your child and your ex have phone time. Draw pictures with each other. Take lots of photos and turn them into collages by pasting them onto a background. Put notes in their lunch boxes. Keep a mom/dad and me journal: You write a page and leave it on your child’s bed. She writes a page and leaves it with you the next day. An ART THERAPIST can help your child work through feelings of sadness.

I-I MUST HAVE BEEN BAD. Or, it must have been MY fault. Developmentally, children are the center of their universe. Even teens and adults will feel that there must have been something they could have done differently. They will silently ponder the question, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? How can I fix it?

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO: Again, reassure, reassure, reassure. Love them. Tell them that the divorce was between you and their mom/dad and that you both love them so much. ART THERAPY can help you and your child work through lingering shame and guilt in a safe place.

R-RAGE: Rage is a strong word, but children will internally rage against the changes in their families. Against no longer being the center of their universe. Because their illusion of control has been shattered. Because their life has been changed now.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO: Reflect the feelings you see and hear, and those you intuit. “I see that you are angry about this.” “This divorce has made you really angry, hasn’t it?” Anger is just a feeling and can’t be judged. It is normal, expected, and OK – as long as it is respectful and contained. Children feel more comfortable with limit-setting. House rules are important. Good behavior and job charts help with consistence and self-esteem building. ART THERAPY helps children work out their feelings. They can scribble their anger, express forbidden feelings to a therapist, play it out in a sand tray. They can build new emotional muscles to help them cope in this difficult time.

WHEN TO SEEK AN ART THERAPIST: If any of these IT’S NOT FAIR feelings last too long or begin to seem out of control, consider calling an art therapist. I have worked with children of divorce for over 20 years, and would be pleased to help you and your family. I am passionate about helping children – and moms and dads-restore that healthy balance of love and growth.

MOM AND DAD, children do thrive after their parents’ divorce. Changing families can and do heal. New coping skills help everyone throughout a life time.                                                                    

If you have any questions, please call me. Or just call me for an appointment.                                                                                                                                                                               I will be happy to give you a free 20 minute phone consult.                                                                                                                                                                                      call 720-242-9241.                                 CHILDREN DO HEAL FROM DIVORCE